Bad Toothache
This guy had a really bad toothache, so he went to the dentist. After being examined, he was told the tooth would have to be pulled out.
The cost: $500.
“But I only have $250,” said the unfortunate man.
“That’s OK, I can do it without freezing you first”, replied the dentist.
“That’s not a problem. I’ve only cried twice in my life, so I should be able to take it.”
“Twice?!? What do you mean?” asked the unbelieving dentist.
“Well, the first time, I was out hunting in the woods. I really had to take a crap, and I finally couldn’t take it anymore. So I pulled down my pants, and unloaded right there. The problem was the pile of crap fell on a bear trap, and it snapped shut on my testicles.”
The dentist involuntarily closes his legs, and exclaimed, “WOW, that must’ve really hurt! But what about the second time you cried…?”
“I started running and hit the end of the chain.”
Derek Robinson Was Here
Note 2 Self- there be a reason why it been 10 yrs since I drank Coors Lt, it STILL tastes like pee pee!!
So the 1st Coors Lt i’ve had in 15 yrs has a “Vented Wide Mouth” Sry but that just sounds dirty
A Woman’s Wildest Desire Fulfilled…
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man walked into the room. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
Noticing her overly attentive stare he smiled knowingly and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered seductively, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00. On one condition…”
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse which she then pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said…
“Clean my house.”
“Talking Cats”
Allergy Medications and Remedies
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn’t sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again.
She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can’t believe that he’s seeing what she’s doing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle.
He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?”
The woman replies, ” I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition
such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.” The man, now feeling bad, says, “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?”
“Pepper” she replied.
The Evolution of Man…
The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women:
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
“Nothing Really Mattress…”
A Redneck Letter From Home
Dear Son;
I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved to Arkansas so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother…
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
This is what happens when a bored chick with absolutely nothing to do gets stranded at the airport during a snowstorm…
Actual txt msg transcript Before During & After Hanging @ Tradewinds
- Before Tradewinds Msgs-
- L- When I get drunk, I have a tendency to get into conversations about infections of the body. Someone invent a device to prevent this, please.
- B- lol, being forced 2 take a vacation from me 2nt so we going 2 Tradewinds. I'll be sure 2 convo up body infections w/ da hot chics
- L- I don't think Tradewinds even ALLOWS hot chicks in. I recommend a little pregame drinking there. Then, hit up Mardi Gras.
- B- Don't think they allow flannel @ Mardi Gras.
- B- Been dating myself 4 a year, my standards aren't very high right now, gonna stick w/ Tradewinds. TW good, GOOD TW!
- B- Ok, 1st time I not allowed in Tradewinds. Guess I was wearing 2 much flannel even 4 THEM! American Legion got it going on tho!
- During Tradewinds Msgs-
- B- L, u r SO wrong! After 4 bars, an 18 pack + 5 pitchers, u wouldnt BELIEVE all da hotchics dat showd up @ TW by Last Call!
- B- so I just took 1 4 da team... My drunk friend hit on da REALLY drunk passed out chick sleeping on da bar & scored so I had 2 walk home
- B- 10 miles! Up hill, both ways. In da snow! OMG I sound like my grandparents!
- After Tradewinds Msgs-
- P- I'm SO sorry about last night!
- B- Dude, it's ok! Just tell me it was worth it...
- P- It was
- B- Then u got nothing to be sorry for...
- P- You might be able to hook up w/ her friend
- B- Is that my consolation prize for walking home empty handed?
- P- Yes
- B- I'll take it, when's my appointment scheduled?
- B- Wait! I mean, wot she look like?
- P- She is no beauty queen but I'm sure you would like her...
- P- She has a Harley...
- B- Ewwwww! Is it visible?
- B- Oh, wait! you said HARLEY? Thot u said hickey...
- P- LOL
- P- We haven't made plans yet but they want to get together again
- B- THEY want to get together again? THREESOME? u are da man dog!
- P- Just the one
- P- The biker chick tried to intimidate me but she loosened up later on. It was fun
- P- Cant remember the chick's name I was with. Pretty sure the biker chick is named Sam- Samantha
- B- Hmmm, intimidating biker chicks named Sam don't really seem like my style
- B- Can't really see me riding on the back of a Harley w/ a girl named Sam...
- B- Sigh, the things I do for u; guess I could, it is bike week after all, certainly done stranger stuff in my day...
- B- ok, Moment of truth time- was she as attractive awake & semi sober @ 9 AM as she was @ 1 AM passed out on da bar when u picked her up...
- P- no answer
The $10,000 Challenge
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
“What’s with the money in the jar?”
“Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari.”
The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”
“You gotta pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10which he stuffs into the jar.
“Okay,” says the bartender, “here’s what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.”
“Second - There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”
“Third - There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.”
The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10 - but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your money stays where it is..”
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the damn tequila?!”
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can..
Tears stream down both cheeks — but he doesn’t make a face — and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight — then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, “Now…, where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”
About Me
Just a Small Town Boy STILL Trying to Make it BIG...
